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Whales
Whales are amongst the most mysterious, majestic, and fattest animals ever known to mankind. Their enigmatic obesity serves as a beacon to liberals world-wide, who -- perhaps recognizing some kind of kinship with these portly, beasts -- will stop at nothing to "publicize" the "plight" of these "endangered" fatties. What is a Whale? The whale is a close relative of the fish called the Dolphin. It is also a fish, like a hippopotamus or turtle. It is not a mammal because it lives in water and has no boobies or hair. It is huge and fat because all it does is eat little creatures called plankton like the one from SpongeBob that tries to "borrow" the Krabby Patty formula. Poor Plankton just wants to open up a business like any other honest Republican, but those evil whales just put him down. Whales and Their Effects On World Populations of Various Animals Whales have completely destroyed certain species, while allowing others to thrive. The krill was once the biggest biological threat to human civilization (before biological weapons came into production), but they have been removed by the extremely potent stomach acids of the whales. Killer whales, the most helpful whales to the Council of Doom, have taken care of the Seal Rebellion, which lasted almost 150 years. The seals almost released lethal toxins onto our beaches, but the whales ate them before they could reach land. The rare whale beachings are the result of whales going to the land, sacrificing themselves, in order to keep the seals in check. The Whales History Whales were some of the first animals to show up on earth, instantly becoming leaders in the arts of swimming, hunting, and learning. Although the sharks presented themselves, the whales made treaties with them and now they swim the oceans in harmony. Fish, however, thought they were better than both species, and this explains the food chain. Whales have fought many battles, including the Battle of the Pacific. The whales helped the Americans locate Japanese submarines during World War II, and because of their help, we have given them a home in the San Francisco Bay, where they are allowed to swim freely, feed on any fish they can find, and rest in the San Fransisco Zoo. Recent Whale Events Back in June, several thousand whales were transported up to the Council of Doom's moon base for extensive research and mass cloning. The whales have agreed that they will watch the waters for the Bearsharks that are rumored to be swimming near heavily populated harbors. Whales are officially the 7th Army and 1st Navy of the Council of Doom. They are 5 million strong, and with the cloning beginning soon, will grow in population exponentially. Whales cannot eat the natural Council food source of Doritos, so studies are being done to see what can be done. "We are currently looking at possibly coming up with a Sun Chips hybrid that the whales can digest efficiently and hopefully will gain proper nutrition from," Luceph Lawlin says as the studies progress. Dolphin hounds are glad to see that another water-bred animal has joined the Council. For years, the dolphin hounds have had no one to play in the pool with, but now they can actually have competition water polo with another species. Talks and meetings are being held to get the sharks on board for a few games of water hockey, and possibly joining the Council. Whale Music Whales are like the sirens of the sea, only bigger and uglier. It is believed that their songs are actually sekret encoded messages to transmit their sekret plans to invade America. People are now discovering, that it is now in fact, a country.